I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
