I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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