and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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