the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
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