I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize