My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
