Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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