Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
