just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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