Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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