Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize