mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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