You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
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