I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
