i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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