shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
