A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
