did you get engaged???
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
