i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
