turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
