Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
even my farts smell like vagina
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Randomize
