Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
