it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
