Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
