She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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