"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
