Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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