Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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