someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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