I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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