i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
