So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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