anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
