omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
