u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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