People in love make me want to vomit
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
