I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
