maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
