Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Randomize
