If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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