I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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