yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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