he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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