I skipped work to stalk him.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
