she woke up with a sticky ear
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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