My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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