you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
