Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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