you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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