i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Randomize
