apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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