How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
