The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize