Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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