you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize