She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
