you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
