i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
