I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
