Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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