life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
We were destined to go to rehab together
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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